Ode to the airport

Water, Cream, and Gels, oh my!
What we gonna do?
We can’t let that fly.

Ketchup, Perfume, Hairspray, oh my!
We’ll take it all away;
Could cause terror in the sky.

Airport chaos was witnessed first hand by yours truly this past week as I prepared to board a plane. Bottles of water, toiletries, and other products left behind on tables and in the garbage. Once thought to be essentials; now strewn aside. Expensive wines and perfumes confiscated and tossed as their owners gawk in disbelief. I had to check my own bag, which I never do because I do not trust the airline to get it to my destination. I’ve seen how they throw luggage to load and unload planes. Preciously packed garments are shaken, stirred and shoved this way and that. I don’t want my precious cargo handled by such careless people. This week, I had no choice. It was either throw away $50 worth of hair care products, make-up and other daily used items or check it. I check it and they chucked it onto the plane.

An extra hour early was my arrival as I prepared to be patted down, sniffed by dogs, and whatever else they had in store for me. Neither of those happened and I proceeded to my gate (after putting my sandals back on…a normal part of airline routine due to another twarted terrorist attempt). I sat in my line at Southwest and waited, hoping my plane would not be as delayed as every other flight that day. I am a competative person, so I don’t just sit by my line. I sit IN my line. I’m usually #1 in line. That’s the way I like it. So, there I was…first in line…tired, bored and thirsty because I was refused liquids, other than over-priced airport libations.

Finally, the fateful time came. We were told we could board. I was ready and raring to go. Well, actually, I was tired, had a headache and wanted to go to bed, but was concious enough to noticed some men with blue latex gloves setting up a table near the jetway entrance. I held out my boarding pass to the attendant….DENIED. “Step aside to the table, please.” “NOOOO!” I thought. “I don’t want to step aside. I was first in line! Why isn’t everyone having to step aside!? Oh, so I’m the “random” one. Great!” I went to the table, put my bag down and they proceeded to look through it…sort of. They didn’t look in all the zipper compartments, but felt satisfied when they found a tube of lip gloss and confiscated it. My only lip gloss. They thought I could blow something up with a tube of Bath & Body Works peppermint oil lip gloss. Instead, I am now left with dry, chapped lips. Yet, I did make it on with my ink-filled pens. They must not be as dangerous. Had I only put my gloss in my pocket, I’d still have it today. They never checked me, just my bag. Needless to say, I arrived at my destination, having fallen asleep through the snack and drink portion of the flight (shakes fist in disgust) and waited an eternity for my checked bag.

I can only wonder what will come next. I’m still allowed matches even if lighters are banned. Plus, I’m always wearing flammable clothing. I am at least a walking hazard. One woman in the security line said it felt as if she were in prison. I, personally, have never even visited a prison, so I do not know how to make a shiv from a potato. Yet, I do know that I wasn’t being stripped naked and searched in places I will not mention.
That would be a bit much. I hope it won’t ever get that far. I’m too modest to shower at the gym. I couldn’t imagine being denied clothing in an airport.

For now, I’ll mindlessly follow their rules. They tell me it’s for my protection. I question how much leeway is to be allowed, but in reality, I have no choice. I’m flying the friendly skies.